Posts from the New BB

There is nothing like discovering that you are in fact a grown up. Or at least your friends are grown ups and you're watching them change and become adults with responsibilities. Sure I have a job and I have my own responsibilities but I'm not maintaining a steady seemingly long-term relationship nor am I awaiting the birth of a child. All things my closest friends are currently undertaking.

It's an odd experience. I'm tryin to envision what life will look like in a year. Will there be a wedding? Will there be another baby? New jobs? New homes? I'll be the first to admit I don't share much of my life with my friends any more and vice versa. I don't know really what's happening in their lives right now. We've grown, not apart, but up. It's not the most important to share every detail of each moment of our lives. I kinda miss that closeness we once had.

Growing up forces you to come to the realization that your friends also have other friends. This used to be a scary concept for me because me and my abandonment issues used to think that them finding new friends meant that I'd be out of the picture. I've since learnt to accept this as just another part of the journey and I've found new friends too.

I still miss us though, I miss laughing out loud and sharing similar realities. Time changes everything. So at 25 I sit here waiting to welcome the newest member of our group. Baby Junes will be here soon enough and even more grown up things are to come. Wondering if I'm really ready...ready as I'll ever be I guess.

Posts from the New BB

I've never been thin. In fact I've always been the fattest and tallest almost in all of my classes from basic school all the way up to high school.

Notion that fat girls are uninhibited, desperate, pathetic and depressed has never been my reality. I have fat friends who are beautiful, confident and amazing. I can't say I've ever felt this, I've never felt beautiful and I'm not overly confident, but living in their reality allowed me to see that it does exist.

Eventually though I realized that wanting to be someone else was cheating me of a life so I accepted that I would never be beautiful and I've accepted that I am just who I am.

I have only recently discovered the size acceptance community and recently accepted that you can be healthy at any size. Whether society likes it or not as long as you're healthy and happy that's all that matters.

I once held the notion that if only I weighed 160 lbs then people would like me, if only I were pretty then my parents would never have abandoned me and I would have a boyfriend and I would be happy. It's been a few years since I've totally divested of that foolishness. I can't make people feel anything. I can't make someone love me and whether I'm 268 lbs or 90 lbs they're going to do and be whatever. I cannot control that and I should have never tried.

Take me or leave it doesn't matter to me. I take me forever and ever.